My boy.

This is my Peyton Joshua.

Peyton ("PJ") is special to me because he's so sweet. He has a caring and sensitive side to him that is so endearing and unlike anything I've ever seen from a child his age. He has an extra-soft spot in his big heart for his older sister. If she's ever hurt or crying for any reason, he's right by her side, showering her with hugs and kisses. At the same time, he's ALL boy! He LOVES to get dirty, make messes, throw things, hit things with sticks and make as much noise as possible! "Frogs and snails and puppy-dogs' tails" for sure over here...

Recently, we've found out that there's something else that's special about PJ.

He's just...different. Around his first birthday, we began to notice that he was not the same as other kids his age. He cried...ALL.THE.TIME. He didn't point to things. He had a really big problem with textures...both tactile and when he would eat. He would bite every time he got frustrated...which was a lot. He couldn't handle loud noises. He didn't say a single word. All of these things convinced me he was autistic. But he LOVED being around other kids and adults. He maintained eye contact when you spoke to him. He understood simple commands. So I brushed it off.

Fast forward to his 18 month check-up (one month ago). By this point, I KNEW something was up. He began pointing (around 15 months) and was better with loud noises..but other than that things were about the same. The only drastic difference was his new- found temper tantrums. PJ throws the most random temper tantrums ever. He gets one thing in his mind and NOTHING I repeat NOTHING, can come between him and that one thing. For example, if he wants something he's not supposed to have, like a pair of scissors, I'll move them out of his line of sight. This will cause him to lose his mind completely. He'll scream and flail around and try to climb up on the kitchen counter to get them. If I try to pick him up and move him out of the kitchen, he'll bite and hit me and scream like I'm killing him. This is consistent...a few times a day he'll have these episodes. But at the same time, he's very social and LOVES people. He still obeys basic commands, more so than when he was only 12 months. He can point to things if you ask him where they are (but JUST started doing so).

Today was our first day with an Early Intervention caseworker. She interviewed me, spent some time with PJ and then just shook her head. She told me she has no idea how to classify him. A lot of his behaviors are right in line with autism, but he socializes SO well, that she doesn't think he is autistic. She's baffled.

I'm kind of confused by my feelings of the whole situation. I've never been afraid of autism. In fact, when he first started with the signs, I kind of made up my mind that I was not going to let it be a crutch or an excuse for him...for ANYTHING. I'd just have to tweak my thinking and actions while raising him. I felt strong and confident. And didn't even want to tell anybody...if he did get diagnosed autistic.

But now, I get overwhelmed. Some days, after a battle with him, I just cry. I cry and cry and cry and feel inadequate, and cry some more. I feel alone (and I know that's not the case!!) but my biggest support, other than Tim, is my Momma...and she's 350 miles away. Tim works....most of the time it's just me, PJ and Addisyn (who is two and a half years old and we're going through the battle of the wills like crazy lately...she's absolutely no help during his tantrums cuz she's usually having one of her own.) I miss my mother. I miss my whole family, but there are days I just wish I could drive over to my parent's house, drop off Addisyn to play with Momo, and take PJ out for some special one-on-one time, so that I can remember all of the beautiful little things about him that make me so proud of him.

I guess I just need your thoughts and prayers as we learn, with the help of EI, to teach PJ to communicate better, and to cope with his behavior.

Meeting my witt's end.

I've neglected this poor blog, but not because of laziness. We've had a tumultuous last 2 months and it's all culminated to where we are now...a giant mess.

Since around May, we've been itchin' to get out of our house that we rent. The neighborhood has been deteriorating and things have been happening that have made us VERY uncomfortable here. So we started looking at other places to live. Then in June, our landlord came into our house a few times while we were in Philly, and took stuff from our fridge WITHOUT ASKING. Now, had he asked, I totally would have said "Sure! No problem, help yourself!" But, the principle of what he did was highly illegal and technically broke the contract of our lease (he must give us 24 hours notice before he enters the property for ANY reason, except if he has a police officer with a warrant with him.) It was just creepy and didn't sit well with us. It was kind of the last straw with this place.

A few weeks ago, we lined something up for ourselves...it was seemingly terrific, not ideal, but definitely a vast improvement. We sat our extremely emotional/not-all-there landlord down and let him know. He was reluctant...and it ended up being slightly messy, as he wanted us here for at least two years (our lease was signed only for 1 year)...but we finally got him to agree to let us out at the end of August (even though our lease is up this July 31st...?). Well, we found out on Monday that the place we had lined up was actually spoken for, so we sat our landlord down again and let him know that we would be willing to stay...which he quickly shot down. Turns out he doesn't want us here because "our hearts aren't here, we don't love this place." He wants us out by September 1st.

So now, here we are...looking for another place....getting ready to move somewhere temporarily for a 6th time. We're trying to find somewhere with a short-term lease, as we're exploring some possible job transfers for Tim, and if they don't pan out, we'll buy a house up here in the spring. Preferably 3 bedrooms, but since we plan on being there short term we'd take a 2 bedroom place too. We DON'T want to be in an apartment complex...unless they offer a 6 month lease, and can let us go month to month after that. If you know of anything, please let us know!!! Thank you!

Help me!!

Ok, so I've become re-dedicated to (read: obsessed with) working out again. This has happened before. One summer, when I was home on break between my years at college, I was working out constantly and that was probably the healthiest I have ever been. Well, I've been re-bit (re-bitten?? whatever...) by the fitness bug after years of pregnancy, newborns and miscarriage. But there seems to be a problem this time around.

I started the re-dedication on March 1st. During the first 6 weeks, 10lbs literally melted off. I was stoked and so encouraged!! Each week I've stepped it up a notch - increasing my miles, speed, weight used in resistance training, and length of workout sessions. I vary my workouts, too, doing different things on different days. In the last four days, I've worked out for 1.5- 2 hours every day. On top of it, my caloric intake is between 1600-1800 calories (and not empty ones either), and I've been careful to add lots of protein to my diet.

So today, I stepped on the scale, expecting to see a HUGE number since it's been another 6 weeks since my last weigh in. What did I see instead? A big, fat .5lb lost. WHAT!?! HALF A POUND!?!?! IN SIX WEEKS!?!?!!?!?

WHAT am I doing wrong??

My top 5 go-to lunches.

I don't know about you, but lunches around here have strict requirements. First, they have to be prepared FAST. Second, they have to be healthy. And third, they have to please my toddlers. That's not an easy task!! PB&J gets boring...so here are my other "go to" lunches.

1. Stir-fry: I LLOOVVEE stir fry and it's SO easy! Pour 1/4 cup water and 1/4 cup soy sauce into a large skillet and throw in whatever fresh veggies you have lying around. Our favorites are carrots, broccoli, green peppers and tofu (*disclaimer- yes, I am well aware of the effects of soy on hormones, especially little boys', but I buy only quality, organic tofu and we don't eat it very often at all. Tofu is packed with protein, and because I work out everyday, I need that protein!!). MMMMM!! Let it simmer on medium heat while you make some instant brown rice with it - I like the Uncle Ben's "Boil-In-Bag" kind, they only take about 10 mins to prepare. Boom. You're done.

2. Grilled wraps/quesadillas: We almost always have whole wheat tortillas on hand...they're so versitile!! Put some veggies and cheese (or even some left over chicken from last night's dinner) in one, fold it in half and throw it in your microwave for 1 minute---instant, yummy quesadilla. Or, stuff it with some fresh spinach, tomatoes, chunks of fresh mozzarella and basil and drizzle it with EVOO, wrap it up and press it in the good ol' George Forman grill...quick, fancy Caprese wrap!! And it took all of 5 mins to make.

3. Veggies and dip: My kids absolutely LOVE to dip things (it is my understanding that most kids do) before they eat them. Take some low-fat sour cream or plain yogurt, mix in some dill, salt, pepper, and a little garlic powder - you get yummy dip. Put it in a little bowl with some fresh, cut up veggies and beans (big ones, like kidney beans) on the side and, I promise, you'll be astonished how fast your kids are devouring vegetables. Add a couple crackers and grapes on the plate when they're done, and you'll have a complete meal. My SUPER *I'm talking abnormally* picky 17 month old loves it...all because of the dip.

4. Mini-pizza: This one is fun because the kids get to help prepare it. Take an english muffin and open it up the way you would any other time. Let your kids help you spoon a little tomato sauce on it. Then let the creativity flow by letting them sprinkle some cheese on top and adding whatever toppings you have in the fridge...and don't limit them. If they want to put fruit on it...let them. Hawaiian pizza has fruit on it. Addisyn once told me she wanted to put pickles on hers. I let her and she ate that thing right up. Bake it in the toaster oven until the cheese gets all melty. I think when they help make it, lunch becomes more appealing to a 2 year old.

5. Leftovers: I'm a huge fan of leftovers. If you're preparing healthy meals in the evening, make a little extra...or, if it's something your family REALLY likes, even double the recipe. Our favorite "leftover" meal is enchilada casserole. I bake a big tray of it and it lasts us dinner one night, and lunch the next day. Huge time saver and I know it'll be a big hit both days...one less thing to worry about! :)

Happy Mother's Day!! here's a recipe...

** Happy Mother's Day, Mommas. I hope you all had a beautiful day with the people you love the most. **

The four of us spent the afternoon over at my Sister-in-law's house, with her, her husband and three boys and my MIL and FIL. It was a really nice time and I made a YUMMY, EASY dessert. Want the recipe?? Here ya gooo...

Crockpot Peanut Butter Cup Cake - serves 8
you'll need:
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup sugar, divided in half
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup creamy peanut butter
1/2 cup milk
1 tbsp canola oil
1 tsp vanilla extract
3 tbsp unsweetened cocoa powder
1 cup boiling water


Coat your crock pot with a good amount of non-stick cooking spray.

In a mixing bowl, combine flour, 1/2 cup sugar, baking powder and salt. In the microwave, melt peanut butter for about 30 seconds, and then add to the mix along with milk, oil, and vanilla. Stir really well to combine. Spread this mixture into the bottom of your crock pot.

In a separate bowl, mix together cocoa powder, the remaining 1/2 cup of sugar, and 1 cup boiling water. Pour this evenly over the peanut butter batter in your cooker.

Cover and cook on high for 2-4 hours, or until the top has set and an inserted toothpick (into the cake--underneath the cake is molten chocolate mmmm...) comes out clean. Let the cake sit uncovered in an unplugged crockpot for about 20 minutes, then serve warm in dessert bowls with some vanilla ice cream. It looks a little funky but don't be turned off by it, I promise...it's yummy :)

Is it really only noon??!?

We had a busy, busy weekend and what always suffers on weekends like that is the housework. The laundry is EVERYWHERE...some dirty, some clean and waiting to be folded, some folded and waiting to be put away. There are stacks of dishes in the sink (and on the counter) and we don't have a dishwasher so they all need to be washed and dried by hand (booo.) There are tiny landmines (read: toys) ALLLL over the living room. One of my sheer curtains is hanging awkwardly because my son tried to use it to rappel down the side of the wall. All the floors in the whole house need a good mopping and the rugs need vacuuming. You get the picture...

And we woke up today to rainy, chilly gloom outside. Sort of exciting considering my massive list of chores to undertake....who wants to be inside doing chores when the weather is gorgeous??

So I was up and at 'em by 8:15. By 9:15, barely anything was done at all...in fact, the mess was probably worse. Why??

Because (deep, dramatic inhale)...Addisyn threw a 30min tantrum about having a banana with her cereal rather than blueberries...and then about the banana being "too small" (sliced) rather than a "big one" (whole), PJ dumped the dog dishes out all over the floor, the dog got out of the backyard, Addisyn had a "potty accident" most likely to get back at me for ignoring her screaming, PJ climbed on top of the dining room table while I was cleaning fore mentioned "accident" and knocked over a vase of very dead roses, my next door neighbor brought the stupid dog back and proceeded to talk my ear off while Addisyn ran around half naked and PJ got into the refrigerator...

...and that was only one hours worth of activity. We've dealt with whinning, crying, pushing, multiple time-outs, arguements, books ripping, refusals of manners....

It's been just crazy all up until nap time at 12:15. Even while writing this, I've had to run up the stairs to discipline Addisyn for dumping as much stuff as she can find (her pillow and blankets, toys, clothes) and then climbing into PJ's crib...TWICE. I'm certain there is a direct correlation with the amount of vitamin D my children's' bodies produce from sunlight and their behavior. I'm praying they'll wake up refreshed and ready to start over.

Anyway, all that to say...there is still laundry and dishes everywhere and my floors are still embarrassingly unclean...unfortunately I've lost the ardor to tackle the undertaking. Someone please send some motivation my way!!! ...or just come over and clean for me? ;)

The Winds of Change.

They're blowing again, and trust me, I know a thing or two about change.

I'm pretty sure I've shared on here that we've moved 5 times in 2.5 years. Well, it seems we're gearing up to move again. Currently, we're renting a wonderful little house in a not-so-major city. It's right on the border between a nice neighborhood and a bad neighborhood, so we put up with some rough neighbors and their loud music and their cursing off their kids, and we've recently called the cops on them. And then last week, I was running (in the nice part of our neighborhood, actually) and some guys in a car started following me, yelling obscene things at me. They drove off but came back TWICE to follow me and yell some more. That was kind of the last straw. We feel like our time here is up.

I'm just so frustrated. I grew up in one general area my entire life. This is so foreign to me. I'm the kind of person that REQUIRES stability, and stability to me is digging roots into the ground, building relationships that last and staying put - all of which have been missing in my life the last 3 years. I'm SICK of moving!! I HATE moving!! I really want this next move to be semi-permenant, as in I don't want to even THINK about moving for at least 5 years....so we have to find somewhere condusive to that (i.e. good school district, 4 bedrooms, big back yard, safe neighborhood etc). I want to paint my walls, and I want to get a big dog, and I want to not have to worry where we are going to fit any subsequent children or if I'm going to be abducted while running. It's all I can think about, lately.

Tim's got an appoinment with our mortgage broker/realitor next Weds. We need favor.

I have...

...lost 10lbs in 6 weeks. yessssss!! I feel GREAT!! and i'm wondering why it took me so long to become re-dedicated to exercise after having my kids.

p.s. that is not a picture of me. Although I hope and expect my belly to look like that by the end of the year ;)

Happy Birthday, sweet Baby.

To my sweet baby-
Tomorrow is the day you were supposed to be born. My body is supposed to start getting ready to help get you out, and Daddy and I are supposed to jump in the car and drive to the hospital. I'm supposed to get in an ugly hospital gown and wait in intense pain for you to arrive...meanwhile, nervous and excited and anxious and thrilled. The doctor and nurses are supposed to come in, and at just the right moment, you're supposed make your first appearance! I'm supposed to hear a shrill little cry as the doctor's and nurses' faces light up. Daddy is supposed to tell me how beautiful you are.

And tomorrow, they're supposed to place you in my arms. But they're not going to. I'm not going to endure the excruciating pain to experience the intense joy like none other of seeing your sweet face tomorrow. There aren't going to be any happy celebrations as we announce you've arrived. No one is going to ask me what we're going to name you.

I don't know why you couldn't stay. I don't know why I couldn't say goodbye. I don't know why I was able to carry you in my belly long enough to love you or see you on an ultrasound or, even though I couldn't feel you move, feel your presence with me. It doesn't seem fair to me, but I'm not the author or the finisher of your life.

Most mommy's endure 9 loooong months in eager anticipation of meeting their little babies...your mommy is going to endure a lifetime. Someday I'll see you, meet you, hold you, kiss you. But in the meantime, my tears and my broken heart will remind me that you DID and DO exist and that we already have a bond.

I love you, baby. Forever and ever.
Mommy

82 degrees!!!!

We've had two of the most BEAUTIFUL days in a row up here!! 82 degrees and NO humidity! It's put me in a summery mood...i.e. I ordered a pair of cropped jeans and a cute summer shirt from AE.com this morning...and I just looked over the calendar. Now I understand I'm getting ahead of myself...cuz it's just not unheard of to get 3 ft of snow in April where we live...but we've got a BUSY summer!!

May 5th is our 3rd Anniversary...we don't have any plans yet.
Memorial Day weekend we're going to be in Philly with my family, and hopefully that'll include a trip to Sesame Place and/or down the Jersey shore.
In June, we're spending a weekend in Baltimore with my parents, brother and sister. We're going to an Orioles game and to the Science Museum (*random fact: I LOVE museums!).
In July, we're going on vacation - 1 week in Palm Beach, Fl!!!
In August, Tim is going to Chicago for a week for job training (making him more valuable to his company - score!) and the kids and I will be in Philly while he's away...again, hopefully including a trip to Sesame Place and/or the shore.

Whew!!! This will be the first summer since 2006 that I'm not pregnant or nursing...that's kind of a big deal too ;)

YAY SUMMER!!!!!!!

Powerful.

A healthy alternative to fried chicken

I'm making this for dinner tonight. It's a favorite around here and it's SOOO easy. It's crunchy and salty like fried chicken but doesn't have nearly as many trans. fats, cholesterol and calories. Since it's made with Goldfish crackers, my kids devour it..

you'll need:

6 boneless/skinless chicken breasts, cut length wise into chicken finger style strips
about 4 or 5 cups Goldfish crackers, smashed up into crumbs
ranch dressing, and you can use a lowfat variety too, it doesn't change the flavor


- preheat oven to 425

- pour some ranch dressing into a shallow bowl, and do the same with the Goldfish crumbs in a second bowl

- line a baking pan with tin foil, and lightly coat with nonstick cooking spray

- Dip the uncooked chicken into the ranch dressing, letting the excess drip off, then into the Goldfish crumbs

- arrange on prepared baking pan

- bake for 10 to 15 mins (this is what the recipe says, but mine always cook faster...more like 7-9 mins...so keep an eye on them) or until chicken is no longer pink (170 degrees internal temp)

- ALL DONE!! wasn't that easy?? Tonight I'm making rice pilaf and a green salad for sides..but I've also served this with homemade Spanish rice and that was a yummy combination!!

Dress up!!

I love to get dressed up. Dresses, heels, make up and curling my naturally poker straight hair just make me giddy! It's funny because when I was little, I was a tom-boy who HATED dresses. I guess I'm just making up for that now. Easter is a great excuse to get a new sun dress...so tonight, that's exactly what I did! Here it is....
...super cute, right? The shoulder straps convert into a halter too, which I prefer due to the large nature of my upper torso. I have a little white shrug that I'm gonna wear over it to church, but in the summer, I'll probably live in this adorable little thing all by it self.

The kids are gonna match. Someone handed me down an ADORABLE mint green, with white polka dots, dress from Gymboree for Addisyn. I got her this white shrug from The Children's Place (i LOVE LOVE LOVE the Children's Place!!!) to go over it...


PJ was handed down a sweet little grey suit from his cousins, so he's gonna wear that with a green and white pinstripped shirt (to match Addisyns dress) that I also got from The Children's Place...
And Tim...well...I have no idea what he's gonna wear :)

More Than Conquerors.

Coffee. That yummy, energizing nectar we all crave. Well...for me it's a no no...

Right before I had Addisyn, I was downing about 3 (sometimes more) cups a day and never really thought anything of it. Then I found out I was pregnant. I had heard all the horror stories of what caffeine does to unborn babies, so I decided it was time to cut back *my OB told me it was ok to drink 300mg of caffeine a day.* That's when I found out how bad my addiction really was. I started out only having a small cup in the morning, and sure enough, by lunch time I'd be craving another cup and usually would be trembling. This scared me at first, so I gave into what my body was telling me and would have another cup. Then I'd realize what I just did to my baby and feel guilty and try and quit cold turkey. This vicious cycle continued until I had to FORCE myself to stop drinking it, and when that happened it gave me horrible headaches and would make me tremble. That's when God spoke to me.

Now, I'm not saying coffee is a bad addiction for everyone, but for me it was. I don't judge ANYONE who drinks it. **I also don't think caffeine or coffee is inherently bad, but just as with other addictions - drugs, alcohol, sex, food etc - Our Enemy has taken something created by God, twists it and convinces us that we need these things more than we need Him.** But I was abusing the caffeine and relying on it to "just get me through the day." When I denied myself, I DIDN'T have the self-control to say no to it and would cave. Essentially I made a god out of it, because it took the place of my Heavenly Father - who has given me everything I need to be more than a conqueror. WOW! I had no idea...

This is just my example, but God wants us to rely on His strength for EVERYTHING!! There are tons of addictions out there - drug, alcohol, food, sex, caffeine, attention, control, money. He gives us the power to overcome these, but only if we want it - and we need to want holiness more than fleshly desires. It simply takes the courage to ask and trust.

There are also boundaries. I've learned moderation with my caffeine intake. I'll still drink a cup of coffee here or there socially (and ENJOY it SOOO much! :] ), but it's few and far between. On mornings I'm especially sleepy, I'll pour myself some green tea *which has a fraction of the caffeine in it* to wake me up - not to push me through the day.

Is there something you RELY on other/more than God to "just get you through"? If He has saved you, then you are MORE THAN A CONQUEROR! Don't feel condemned, you're only human! Just seek His will! Be encouraged today - He loves you and has given you power through the death of Christ!

Running shoes and brand new babies.

So I started running. I love to run SOO much. I used to run when I was younger, before I had kids, but because my pregnancies were such nightmares, it became less and less of a priority until I stopped doing it all together. I'm glad to be back into it. I've got my first 5k coming up on April 24th and I'm SOOO excited!! But not only that, I've kicked my aerobics and weight training regimen up a notch too. I really want to be in the shape I was in before I had kids. It's not a lofty goal and it's not impossible. I just gotta keep pushing myself.

I was also bit by the baby bug pretty bad a few months ago, and Tim and I decided we wanted to add to our little family again this year. However, every time we'd talk about it, something just didn't sit right. We tried for 3 months and obviously I'm not pregnant. Apparently, the time just isn't right. But now, EVERY time I see a new baby, it makes me want another one...Jim and Pam's baby episode on the Office last Thursday was a killer. I think this is a lesson I'm supposed to learn, though. I've never had a problem getting pregnant (and not that 3 months of trying and failing constitutes a "problem") so clearly God's hand is in this. I've made peace that we'll have another baby (or two...probably two) WHEN and IF He says so.

So the baby thing has been put on the back burner...and the fitness thing is on the front burner. Be ready for updates. Here we go!!...

Lemon Chicken Pasta

Made this last night and it was SOOO yummy, quick and easy...thought I'd share! You can up the fiber and lower the fat by using whole grain pasta, unbleached whole wheat flour and low fat chicken stock (but to be honest, I've made it both ways and for some reason this tastes better with plain old regular pasta)...

1 16 oz box bowtie or penne pasta

16 oz skinless/boneless chicken breasts, cut into 1 inch pieces

2 tablespoons flour

2 tablespoons olive oil

2 cloves garlic, minced (or 1/4 teaspoon garlic powder)

3/4 cup chicken stock

3 tablespoons lemon juice

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon pepper

1/3 cup frozen peas

optional - fresh snipped parsley and Parmesan cheese

Cook pasta according to directions, drain and keep warm.

Meanwhile, toss together chicken and flour in a gallon size Ziplock bag or bowl until chicken is lightly coated. In a large skillet, cook and stir chicken in 1 tablespoon of olive oil over medium-high heat for 6 to 8 minutes or until chicken is no longer pink. Remove chicken from pan and set aside.

Reduce heat to medium. Add remaining oil and garlic to skillet; cook and stir about 1 minute or until tender (omit this step if using garlic powder, and just add it when you add the salt and pepper). Carefully stir in broth, lemon juice, salt and pepper. Cook uncovered for 2 to 3 minutes or until reduced to about 2/3 cup. Stir in chicken, capers and parsley until heated all the way through.

Toss pasta with chicken mixture and serve with Parmesan.

Trials produce perseverance.

February 26th 2009 to February 24th 2010 was definitely a difficult year. On Feb 26th, '09, my Grandmom Aust passed away. It was a very difficult time for the entire Aust family. She was so special. My Aunt Cindy described her as the "glue the held us all together" and I think that's a perfect way of describing her role in the family. The Aust family is very large - my dad was one of 6 children - but I remember spending every single holiday, and most Sundays, at my Grandpa and Grandmom's house growing up. My dad and all of his brothers and sisters (except for Uncle Bruce, Aunt Nanci and Chris who live in Orlando) and all of their spouses and children would be there. My cousins and I had all kinds of make believe games that we played at Gram's house, and we couldn't play them anywhere else because Gram's house was special. It was big, there was a lot of land and she had a big pool. Gram was also an amazing cook. I'll never forget her cream chicken, mashed potatoes, chicken soup, keiflies and all kinds of other delicious food that made those holidays and Sunday dinners so special. She always made us feel welcome and her house was truly my second home. I miss her so much.

But anyway, that was only the beginning. Just a few weeks later, my uncle (dad's brother) was killed in a tragic motorcycle accident. I don't know if you've ever had a loved one ripped away from you suddenly and unexpectedly, but I will tell you, it's the HARDEST thing. It's shocking and horrifying and a really hard pill to swallow. I remember when my mom called me to tell me. I felt like I was punched in the stomach and I just wanted to throw up. My dad was so torn up and that was difficult too. He lost his mother and brother in a matter of weeks. And my cousins, too. They lost their Grandmom and Dad. It just all doesn't seem fair...even now, a year later.

In April, our (only 2 yr old) car needed hundreds of dollars worth of work.

In August, my mom lost the man she provided home care for for the last 20 years. Needless to say, she loved that man and it was very very hard for her to say goodbye. Because my mom and I are soooo close, I took on a lot of her pain.

Then later in August, we found out I was expecting our 3rd child. At first we were so angry - this was the THIRD time I had gotten pregnant when we were actively trying to prevent it. We did the math and realized PJ and Baby 3 would be 14 months apart...Addisyn and PJ are only 13 months apart. After being angry, we were stressed out. We couldn't imagine having three kids all so young. Then, we got used to the idea and we started to get excited. Right about that time, I had an ultrasound that showed the baby's heart wasn't beating due to a heart defect. This was the hardest bad news for me personally. After all the other loss, this was just the final blow as far as I was concerned. I spent a week in bed convinced I was dying of a broken heart.

In November, a friend of mine's baby girl died of complications from whooping cough and an old family friend died of cancer.

In December, Tim barely got a raise, and what's more, our health insurance got more expensive, so it's like he didn't get a raise at all. We're very thankful he has a job at all, but it's almost like he's running in place in his current position. This never ending hamster wheel of a career is discouraging.

In January, Tim applied for a job in Bensalem, PA...about 15 mins from where I grew up. Our hopes were SOOOO high. On February 24th, he was offered the job, but at a much lower salary than discussed in the interview, and Tim declined. Again, I felt like I was dying of a broken heart.

I miss my family in PA/NJ. We've been through A LOT in a year and I just want to be with them. I feel so far away and I'm still trying to process all of the loss.

And this is where I am. Broken, but hopeful for the future. I don't really have anything else profound to say.

*gasp!* You VACCINATE your children!?!?

Yes. Yes I do. I usually try to stay away from talking about this hot-button issue publicly as it always causes trouble. However, enough people have asked me why I vaccinate, that I've decided to just throw it out there. Let me begin by saying my children's vaccination schedules are altered, and we annually check blood titers to make sure my kids have the antibodies that excuse them from getting any unnecessary booster shots. They don't get unnecessary immunizations like the flu shot or h1n1...I pump my kids full of all natural, pure vitamins D and C instead. I don't mindlessly let the AAP tell me what to do with my children and I don't vaccinate out of fear.

Secondly, this is NOT my way of condemning anyone or trying to sway the decision of anyone who doesn't vaccinate. I understand that there are many reasons people don't and it's their personal conviction. Who am I to say they're wrong? This is simply MY personal conviction posted on my blog - my outlet. Please don't attack it, and you don't havta like it, but please don't tell me I'm wrong.

Now, why I choose to vaccinate my children...



1.) The four biggest "faces" of anti-vaccination are John Kerry, Chris Dodd, Robert F. Kennedy Jr and Jenny McCarthy. Three pro-choice politicians and a playboy bunny...not exactly the kind of people I wanna be on the same team as.



2.) The number one resource of the lies and myths (and there are A LOT of lies and myths) spurning on the anti-vaccination movement is the Church of Christian Science...a cult. Read more about it here . There is no aborted fetal tissue IN vaccines (that's their biggest lie.) That's scientifically impossible. Read about that here.



3.) Satan's job is to steal, kill and destroy. Death and disease were consequences from the fall and not part of God's design. That would make disease part of Satan's arsenal then, right?? So wouldn't it be fair to say, that every time a man, woman or child dies from a disease, it's a battle that Satan has won?? If we have the necessary weapons to fight back (i.e. vaccines) why wouldn't we use them??



4.) Vaccines save lives. Period. God created our bodies in such a way that the tiniest little bit of virus would be apprehended by our immune system, be attacked, and then our cells would forever remember how to "deal" with that virus...making it powerless against us. Now remember, death and disease was NOT part of God's plan...so he gave us a way to fight it off. By receiving an immunization, we are arming our cells with the ability to automatically fight off disease by recognizing it. If a known pedophile moved into your neighborhood, what would be the better plan of action??...to find a picture of that person and become familiar with who to look out for, or simply hope for the best??



5.) There are rumors that vaccines cause autism and SIDS. I'll reiterate...both are RUMORS. The autism thing, while strongly argued, has NOT been proven. The SIDS thing was started by a bogus article that was circulating on the Internet for a while. Somebody made up a phony bar graph that showed the amount of SIDS cases per country versus the amount of vaccine given per country and had America overwhelmingly leading in both cases. It also said that Japan had cut back exponentially on vaccines and their SIDS cases plummeted. It was all fake and made up, but fear-filled parents spread that thing like wildfire. I'll remind you, ANYONE can go online, type up a "report" done on a "study" by "Columbia University" and sign it "Joe Shmoe, PhD" - A doctor gave me all of this information.



6.) I feel like all these parents who say they aren't vaccinating because "they don't want their child to become autistic", are REALLY saying they'd rather let their child die than have autism...because, again, vaccines save lives and that IS proven. That's really, really sad.



7.) My children are God's gift to me. He loves them more than I do (I don't know how that's possible, but he does) and He requires me to love and protect them here on earth to the best of my ability. BUT NOT ONLY THAT...I'm required to LOVE and PROTECT my neighbor too. When I vaccinate my children, I don't do it out of fear that they'll catch a deadly virus and die, because I serve a Healer. But what about the kids that they'll have contact with, or even children of future generations, that AREN'T covered in prayer for health? If my children aren't spreading diseases to them and future generations, then I'm loving my neighbor. And what if God told Tim and I to sell all of our things and go to the missions field tomorrow? I'd be at complete rest that my children have immunity against many of the deadly diseases that we forget about in America (because of vaccines, actually), but are a fact of everyday life in communities in third world countries.





Please don't flood my comment box with negativity. I've spent A LOT of time in prayer and research on this topic. I have come across things that have challenged my decision and have doubted myself along the way...but every time, after seeking peace, I've found it for the above mentioned reasons.

The worst day of my life.

Right now, my profile picture on Facebook is a picture of Tim and I on our wedding day...and I hate that picture. A girl's wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of her life right?? When all her dreams become reality?? That's funny....

I just read my sister-in-law's blog post today - all about the seasons and trials she's been through with her husband and it was OH SO romantic!! Loved it!! My love story - well...

Tim and I met in the fall of '05 and started dating almost immediately. That was probably our first mistake. I was coming off the heels of a pretty disastrous break-up and he was, well...bored. We lived an hour apart but that didn't stop us. Our dating relationship was a very expensive roller coaster ride, and I spent most of it wanting off. But I stayed on, because everything else in my life was "perfect" (perfect car, perfect job, perfect salary, perfect hair etc...) so I didn't mind a little craziness. You see, Tim and I are about as different as two people can be. Opposite ends of the spectrum in SOOO many ways. We fought CONSTANTLY and never truly understood each other - but I didn't REALLY care, because I honestly never thought we would get married - Step 1 of resentment and bitterness.

In the beginning of February of '07, something very very bad happened and I stumbled across it - Step 2 of resentment and bitterness. This thing was so shocking and ugly it took some time to process, but before I could fully process it, Tim proposed (on Valentine's Day that year.) I accepted, but didn't really want to. Another month and a half went by and I finally gained the nerve to break off our engagement.

On April 1st, I asked him to met me down in the city. The whole ride down I practiced what I would say and how I would say it, to make the break-up as clean cut as possible. We had dinner and were just hanging out when he turned to me and said, "You're acting crazy...are you pregnant?" WHAT!?! Came right out of left field. I blew it off, but took a pregnancy test just to humor him. BAM! Positive - Step 3 of resentment and bitterness. We told our families the following week. Their reaction? "Get married ASAP." WHAT!?!? As if I didn't have enough things happening too fast - Step 4 of resentment and bitterness.

So...my Momma and Tim's mom planned a wedding in 4 weeks. Yes, my mother and mother and law planned my wedding - Step 5 of resentment and bitterness. The ONLY thing I had a say in was my wedding dress. Everything else was a surprise to me...and I resented every single person involved in the planning process. I was one of those 12 year old girls who had a notebook and planned my wedding when I was supposed to be doing homework. But all of my dreams, hopes and plans meant nothing....all because I had sex. I went along with it. I was an emotionless robot for 4 weeks. I knew it was all so wrong. I knew Tim wasn't ready to be a husband, and I sure as hell wasn't ready to be a wife!! All of my friends told me to call it off...but ONE person told me it was what I HAD to do "for the baby"...so I just kept on fake smiling and moving forward...

Then the day ACTUALLY came. I remember waking up with a huge knot in my stomach. I remember trying to put my make-up on, but my morning sickness was so bad I kept puking and messing up. I remember freaking out saying, "this is all wrong! this is all wrong!" right before I walked down the aisle - but my dad grabbed my arm and off we went. I remember hating myself more and more with every step I took down that aisle - Step 6 of resentment and bitterness. And that's about it. Everything else was a blur. I learned that I'm an excellent actress, because guest after guest told me I never looked happier. HA! If they only knew.

So all that balled up resentment and bitterness, along with disappointment, hatred and frustration, is how we kicked off our marriage. Is it any wonder why only 3 months later I wanted it annulled?? Is it any wonder that by 6 months into our marriage (and by this time, we ran out of money so we had to live in his parents basement) all we did was threaten each other with leaving or taking our baby away?? And, of course, we were broke and I was having a lot of complications in my pregnancy. I really don't have time to go into every single detail about our relationship, but it was HORRIBLE. To this day, I'm STILL shocked that we made it through that first year.

But you know what?? We serve a REDEEMER. I don't know how, but God REDEEMED ALLLLL of that bad. Satan wanted to tear us apart, to make me a single mother, to make Addisyn an insecure young girl, to repeat the cycle all over again with her life. But God the Father said "No! The buck stops here." He gave us a BEAUTIFUL, SWEET, AWESOME little girl, and a HANDSOME, LOVING, STRONG little boy - and he gave our two children a set of parents who love, not only them, but each other. He got us out of Tim's parent's basement. He gave Tim a promising job. He made a way for me to stay home and raise my babies (which is what I always wanted.) And He restored our relationship.

Tim and I had to fall in love all over again - but we did it! We're on the other side and we're in love like never before. We still have our moments because we're still very very different, but our hearts are bound to one another. We, finally, are starting to understand each other. That first year of our marriage only proves to us now that we have the strength and endurance of heart to weather ANY storm that comes against us. It wasn't easy (and it's still NOT always easy), but it's worth it because we have sooo much wisdom and knowledge to lean on and to pass on! So while our wedding day was the worst day of my life, our marriage is one of my most prized gifts.

People always ask to see our wedding photos...and I cringe everytime I pull them out because I'm reminded of the pain that day brought with it. But someday, we'll renew our vows and I'll have pictures I can look at in pride. In the meantime, I'll do my best to rejoice for what the Lord has redeemed.

What's the dilly with Philly??

Yesterday was Tim's big interview for his transfer to Philly (if by some miracle you hadn't noticed that yet HA!). We were so excited. Of course we wanted to move to Philly - my immediate and much of my extended family is down there and it would be a HUGE step in furthering Tim's career...the sky's the limit! PLUS my dream to become a doula is MUCH more attainable down there for a lot of reasons.

But we had made peace about staying here too. Here in Rochester, we have Tim's family, friends and we decided if the transfer didn't work out, we'd buy a house. Also very exciting. Going into this weekend, we were ready to have a clear "YES" or "NO" answer, and also be happy with whichever it was.

What we got was a definite "MAYBE." What the...?!?!?!

It's very very complicated, but in short - our expectations for Tim's job down there were kinda met. When he came home from the interview yesterday, he was VERY excited. He WANTS the job really bad. BUT when he started explaining the details, I got discouraged because everything was still vague! Frustrating!!!

Here's the biggest detail; They didn't OFFICIALLY offer him the job yesterday, because they ("they" being the hiring manager and the branch manager) didn't know whether to offer him the Tech A position or the Tech B position. What's the difference?? Tech B is one step closer to becoming an engineer and potentially more money! Originally, he was interviewing for the Tech A position, but they were EXTREMELY impressed by him and needed a day to talk things over...and we don't know exactly what that means.

So here we are...waiting again. We're still on the fence, but leaning HEAVILY toward moving down there. You see, they gave Tim kind of a "worst case, but likely scenario" as far as what he'd be making, and it's still very do-able...kinda. (like I said - complicated.)

This move isn't going to be without difficulty, though. We've decided that we will buy a house as soon as we get down there, so IF he takes the job, we'll be living with my parents til we find, bid on and close on a house *yikes!* There's 4 of them and 4 of us - 4 adults, 2 teenagers, 2 toddlers and 3 dogs all under one roof?!? Plus, it'll be my SIXTH move (3rd time moving to a new state) in 2.5 years!! Then, moving from my parents house to where ever we end up will be our SEVENTH move. Gimme a break, man!! I'm TIRED of moving!!!!!!

Anyway, we still need thoughts and prayers!! We still don't know anything for sure!!

prayer requests:

1. We will get an answer SOON! And it will be undeniably "yes" or "no"
2. If the answer is "yes" then the company will offer Tim the Tech B position and more money
3. I won't lose my mind in the whole process
4. My children won't go completely crazy because I'm completely crazy right now

What does Motherhood mean??

- It means letting go of former freedoms.

- It means late nights and early mornings.

- It means tending to runny noses, fevers, coughs and colds are high priority. Laundry, cleaning, Facebook and showers can wait.

- It means getting paid in hugs, kisses and smiles...and LOVING it.

- It means leading with humility...admitting mistakes, saying sorry and having respect for your children and the gifts God gave them.

- It means sacrificing your physical body, strength and energy in the name of something far more eternal.

- It means tapping into God DAILY (sometimes hourly) for patience, wisdom and understanding.

- It means less of you and more of God.

It's so hard sometimes to balance all of our different hats - you know, the "mom hat" the "wife hat" the "friend hat" the "daughter hat"...and the most important, the "disciple hat." As my husband and I wait on God in eager anticipation of where He's taking us next, I still have the responsibility to raise my children as if something potentially huge wasn't on the horizon. Will we move to PA? Will we stay in Rochester? Where will I use my gifts next? I have no idea. I'm learning about faith and trust, but on the other hand, I'm teaching faith and trust to my toddlers. Mind blowing!

I believe Tim and I are going through a refining process like never before - and I say that because I feel the burn!! It's difficult and frustrating, but I literally feel the Holy Spirit filling up the broken places. There's something stirring in the atmosphere of our home, we're gonna have a breakthrough. For the first time in almost three years, I see the light at the end of a very dark tunnel. Now it's my job to reflect this stirring to my children...as this change isn't just for Tim and me, but also for them! Right now, my "mom hat" and "disciple hat" are working together, and I'm so thankful for that!!

Precious Human Life

The latest news about Planned Parenthood's new abortion clinic breaks my heart into a thousand pieces. It's so unfair. So many lives are going to be shattered by the opening of this clinic. The rest of this blog I'm going to write, even though I don't want to. And even though I'll probably cry my eyes out the entire time.

This past September, my husband and I walked down a road that NO parent should ever have to experience. I was 12 weeks pregnant when an ultrasound showed that our baby #3's heart had stopped beating. Seeing the lifeless body of our baby on the monitor was the worst moment of my entire life - and I say that with utmost confidence.

Now, science will tell you that an embryo or a fetus is not a baby, or "viable" until around the 3rd trimester. But I will tell you - that 12 week old fetus was a baby. She was MY baby.

She was MY BABY GIRL who I never got to hold. Never got to kiss. Never got to count her tiny toes. Never got to feed. Never got to change. Never saw her sweet smile. Never heard her say "Momma!" Never taught her how to walk. Never slipped the first pair of sneakers on her feet. Never got to take her out for ice cream. Never got to say goodbye to.

She was taken from me while she was still inside me. And I've had such a pain in my heart since that day, that sometimes it's unbearable. Sometimes all I can think about is what she would've been like, looked like, sounded like. I would've been 29 weeks pregnant today, what would that have been like?

You mean to tell me just because she couldn't survive without being inside me she wasn't my baby!?! Are you nuts?!?! The moment that my DNA fused with my husbands DNA a creation erupted! And it formed a brain and a spinal column, and a head and a body, and microscopic organs. Itty bitty arms and legs appeared, followed by itty bitty hands and feet. Her eyes, that she never used to see her older brother and sister formed. And he ears that never heard me say that I love her (and I did...and I still do) began to form too. And this was all before she was deemed "viable."

Take that, science.

I've never been angry at God - not once -because his plan has ultimately unfolded and I learned SOO much through the whole process. What did I learn??

• grace.
• peace during chaos.
• courage.
• and how truly important human life is.

Do you think the women who walk into abortion clinics all over the country don't feel this way too? I bet they do.

Subtle Provision and S'mores bars

I wanna talk about God's subtle provision. First, lemme give you some insight - I grew up in Fairless Hills, PA (about 10mins outside the city limits of Philadelphia and about 25 mins outside of Center City) and it had always been my home. When we got married and I had to move to South Jersey, I was DEVASTATED that I was gonna be a whole hour away! However, a year into our marriage, we were packing up to move to Rochester, NY - which was beyond a doubt God's will because it was something I swore I would NEVER EVER do!! I had gone to college up there and hated every minute of the cold and snow.

Then, on one super hot June day, Tim drove the moving van, and I drove our little car, with a then 7 month old Addisyn in the back and PJ still in my belly. I cried...no, balled my eyes out... every single mile of the way, begging the Lord to change his mind and let me turn around and go "home". He didn't and I was obedient.

We've now been in Rochester for a year and a half, and let me tell you - it's really not so bad. I still hate the snow and ice and I still get homesick pangs every now and then, but we're surrounded by subtle provisions. I was Facebook messaging back and forth with a friend of mine the other day and she brought that to my attention.

So what are these subtle provisions? We are surrounded by young couples (24-28 yrs old), just like us, who have children. I can't tell you how difficult it is sometimes to be 24 years old, married with two kids...i still feel like a kid myself sometimes!! Obviously my husband and I didn't plan on having a family this young - but we've embraced it and now the Lord has brought us to a place where we see we're not alone! And not even that we're not alone, but these couples are making a life for themselves and their families - such a wonderful example for us! This might seem silly to some - but we NEEDED that.

It's brought us closer as a couple. It's knitted our little family of four together so tight. And it's taught me how to stand on my own two feet and not rely on my "comfortable surroundings." Tim and I have grown up and grown closer over the last 1 1/2 years - and that would not have happened in Philly.

(*sidenote: the Lord has heard my prayers to move back to PA and dig our roots deep down there, and it seems he's opened a door. Tim has applied for a transfer within his company down to Bensalem, PA which is about 10 mins from where I grew up. We will know it's His will if some things fall into place, so please join us as we pray and wait on God.)

What are the subtle provisions in your life? Where has God met you in your place of desperation?

In closing - here's a recipe for yummy, easy, s'mores bars!! We had a quick date night at the Spot a few weeks ago and they were selling these for $2.50/bar!! I thought to myself "ripoff...I could MAKE these!!" And so I did...

you'll need:

3 tbsp butter

1 bag of mini marshmallows

6 cups Golden Grahams cereal

1 cup milk chocolate chips

- melt butter in a medium saucepan on med/high heat. Meanwhile, grease a 13x9 brownie pan.

- once butter is completely melted, add 3 cups of the marshmallow's and stir continually until completely melted. Remove from heat and immediately add cereal and 1/2 cup of the chocolate chips. Then add the remaining marshmallows (so there are a few whole ones in there too.)

- Spread warm mixture into the brownie pan. Sprinkle the remaining chocolate chips on top and press them into the mixture so they stick. Let 'em cool and serve!! So yummy!!

So let go, Jump in

Well, here we are. I did it. I jumped on the blogging bandwagon. I'm not gonna lie - I've thought about doing this before but the "what ifs" got in the way. You know - "what if no one reads it?" "what if I don't have time for it?" "what if I suck at it?" etc...

I don't care if no one reads this. I don't care if I only blog once a month or less. I don't care if I suck at it. It's an outlet...and I'm sure SOMEBODY will be interested, even if it's only my Momma (you will quickly come to realize that I very rarely refer to my mother anyway other than "Momma").

Anyway, I'll blog about things like...

• my day as a S@HM (stay-at-home-mom, for future reference) because they're never boring.
• what the Hubster and I enjoy doing, excluding our sex life...sorry.
• what the Lord puts on my heart, because I'm a follower of Christ and in being such, I'm his hands, feet, mouth, and heart here on Earth.
• recipes, because I love to cook/bake. It's my hobby - no seriously. Don't laugh at me.
• health, because living healthy is another passion of mine. (for an even better blog about health, see my friend Crystal's blog. It's EXCELLENT!!)
• and if I ever get a spectacular camera, I'll photo blog too! yay!

So where did I get the ridiculous name for this blog from?? The song "Let Go" by Frou Frou. Definitely, absolutely, hands down one of my favorite songs - listen to it. Check the lyrics too - preeeeeetty awesome!! In fact, the title of this entry is also a line in the song.

In closing - let's all laugh more!!! It's the best medicine!!!!