More Than Conquerors.

Coffee. That yummy, energizing nectar we all crave. Well...for me it's a no no...

Right before I had Addisyn, I was downing about 3 (sometimes more) cups a day and never really thought anything of it. Then I found out I was pregnant. I had heard all the horror stories of what caffeine does to unborn babies, so I decided it was time to cut back *my OB told me it was ok to drink 300mg of caffeine a day.* That's when I found out how bad my addiction really was. I started out only having a small cup in the morning, and sure enough, by lunch time I'd be craving another cup and usually would be trembling. This scared me at first, so I gave into what my body was telling me and would have another cup. Then I'd realize what I just did to my baby and feel guilty and try and quit cold turkey. This vicious cycle continued until I had to FORCE myself to stop drinking it, and when that happened it gave me horrible headaches and would make me tremble. That's when God spoke to me.

Now, I'm not saying coffee is a bad addiction for everyone, but for me it was. I don't judge ANYONE who drinks it. **I also don't think caffeine or coffee is inherently bad, but just as with other addictions - drugs, alcohol, sex, food etc - Our Enemy has taken something created by God, twists it and convinces us that we need these things more than we need Him.** But I was abusing the caffeine and relying on it to "just get me through the day." When I denied myself, I DIDN'T have the self-control to say no to it and would cave. Essentially I made a god out of it, because it took the place of my Heavenly Father - who has given me everything I need to be more than a conqueror. WOW! I had no idea...

This is just my example, but God wants us to rely on His strength for EVERYTHING!! There are tons of addictions out there - drug, alcohol, food, sex, caffeine, attention, control, money. He gives us the power to overcome these, but only if we want it - and we need to want holiness more than fleshly desires. It simply takes the courage to ask and trust.

There are also boundaries. I've learned moderation with my caffeine intake. I'll still drink a cup of coffee here or there socially (and ENJOY it SOOO much! :] ), but it's few and far between. On mornings I'm especially sleepy, I'll pour myself some green tea *which has a fraction of the caffeine in it* to wake me up - not to push me through the day.

Is there something you RELY on other/more than God to "just get you through"? If He has saved you, then you are MORE THAN A CONQUEROR! Don't feel condemned, you're only human! Just seek His will! Be encouraged today - He loves you and has given you power through the death of Christ!

Running shoes and brand new babies.

So I started running. I love to run SOO much. I used to run when I was younger, before I had kids, but because my pregnancies were such nightmares, it became less and less of a priority until I stopped doing it all together. I'm glad to be back into it. I've got my first 5k coming up on April 24th and I'm SOOO excited!! But not only that, I've kicked my aerobics and weight training regimen up a notch too. I really want to be in the shape I was in before I had kids. It's not a lofty goal and it's not impossible. I just gotta keep pushing myself.

I was also bit by the baby bug pretty bad a few months ago, and Tim and I decided we wanted to add to our little family again this year. However, every time we'd talk about it, something just didn't sit right. We tried for 3 months and obviously I'm not pregnant. Apparently, the time just isn't right. But now, EVERY time I see a new baby, it makes me want another one...Jim and Pam's baby episode on the Office last Thursday was a killer. I think this is a lesson I'm supposed to learn, though. I've never had a problem getting pregnant (and not that 3 months of trying and failing constitutes a "problem") so clearly God's hand is in this. I've made peace that we'll have another baby (or two...probably two) WHEN and IF He says so.

So the baby thing has been put on the back burner...and the fitness thing is on the front burner. Be ready for updates. Here we go!!...

Lemon Chicken Pasta

Made this last night and it was SOOO yummy, quick and easy...thought I'd share! You can up the fiber and lower the fat by using whole grain pasta, unbleached whole wheat flour and low fat chicken stock (but to be honest, I've made it both ways and for some reason this tastes better with plain old regular pasta)...

1 16 oz box bowtie or penne pasta

16 oz skinless/boneless chicken breasts, cut into 1 inch pieces

2 tablespoons flour

2 tablespoons olive oil

2 cloves garlic, minced (or 1/4 teaspoon garlic powder)

3/4 cup chicken stock

3 tablespoons lemon juice

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon pepper

1/3 cup frozen peas

optional - fresh snipped parsley and Parmesan cheese

Cook pasta according to directions, drain and keep warm.

Meanwhile, toss together chicken and flour in a gallon size Ziplock bag or bowl until chicken is lightly coated. In a large skillet, cook and stir chicken in 1 tablespoon of olive oil over medium-high heat for 6 to 8 minutes or until chicken is no longer pink. Remove chicken from pan and set aside.

Reduce heat to medium. Add remaining oil and garlic to skillet; cook and stir about 1 minute or until tender (omit this step if using garlic powder, and just add it when you add the salt and pepper). Carefully stir in broth, lemon juice, salt and pepper. Cook uncovered for 2 to 3 minutes or until reduced to about 2/3 cup. Stir in chicken, capers and parsley until heated all the way through.

Toss pasta with chicken mixture and serve with Parmesan.

Trials produce perseverance.

February 26th 2009 to February 24th 2010 was definitely a difficult year. On Feb 26th, '09, my Grandmom Aust passed away. It was a very difficult time for the entire Aust family. She was so special. My Aunt Cindy described her as the "glue the held us all together" and I think that's a perfect way of describing her role in the family. The Aust family is very large - my dad was one of 6 children - but I remember spending every single holiday, and most Sundays, at my Grandpa and Grandmom's house growing up. My dad and all of his brothers and sisters (except for Uncle Bruce, Aunt Nanci and Chris who live in Orlando) and all of their spouses and children would be there. My cousins and I had all kinds of make believe games that we played at Gram's house, and we couldn't play them anywhere else because Gram's house was special. It was big, there was a lot of land and she had a big pool. Gram was also an amazing cook. I'll never forget her cream chicken, mashed potatoes, chicken soup, keiflies and all kinds of other delicious food that made those holidays and Sunday dinners so special. She always made us feel welcome and her house was truly my second home. I miss her so much.

But anyway, that was only the beginning. Just a few weeks later, my uncle (dad's brother) was killed in a tragic motorcycle accident. I don't know if you've ever had a loved one ripped away from you suddenly and unexpectedly, but I will tell you, it's the HARDEST thing. It's shocking and horrifying and a really hard pill to swallow. I remember when my mom called me to tell me. I felt like I was punched in the stomach and I just wanted to throw up. My dad was so torn up and that was difficult too. He lost his mother and brother in a matter of weeks. And my cousins, too. They lost their Grandmom and Dad. It just all doesn't seem fair...even now, a year later.

In April, our (only 2 yr old) car needed hundreds of dollars worth of work.

In August, my mom lost the man she provided home care for for the last 20 years. Needless to say, she loved that man and it was very very hard for her to say goodbye. Because my mom and I are soooo close, I took on a lot of her pain.

Then later in August, we found out I was expecting our 3rd child. At first we were so angry - this was the THIRD time I had gotten pregnant when we were actively trying to prevent it. We did the math and realized PJ and Baby 3 would be 14 months apart...Addisyn and PJ are only 13 months apart. After being angry, we were stressed out. We couldn't imagine having three kids all so young. Then, we got used to the idea and we started to get excited. Right about that time, I had an ultrasound that showed the baby's heart wasn't beating due to a heart defect. This was the hardest bad news for me personally. After all the other loss, this was just the final blow as far as I was concerned. I spent a week in bed convinced I was dying of a broken heart.

In November, a friend of mine's baby girl died of complications from whooping cough and an old family friend died of cancer.

In December, Tim barely got a raise, and what's more, our health insurance got more expensive, so it's like he didn't get a raise at all. We're very thankful he has a job at all, but it's almost like he's running in place in his current position. This never ending hamster wheel of a career is discouraging.

In January, Tim applied for a job in Bensalem, PA...about 15 mins from where I grew up. Our hopes were SOOOO high. On February 24th, he was offered the job, but at a much lower salary than discussed in the interview, and Tim declined. Again, I felt like I was dying of a broken heart.

I miss my family in PA/NJ. We've been through A LOT in a year and I just want to be with them. I feel so far away and I'm still trying to process all of the loss.

And this is where I am. Broken, but hopeful for the future. I don't really have anything else profound to say.

*gasp!* You VACCINATE your children!?!?

Yes. Yes I do. I usually try to stay away from talking about this hot-button issue publicly as it always causes trouble. However, enough people have asked me why I vaccinate, that I've decided to just throw it out there. Let me begin by saying my children's vaccination schedules are altered, and we annually check blood titers to make sure my kids have the antibodies that excuse them from getting any unnecessary booster shots. They don't get unnecessary immunizations like the flu shot or h1n1...I pump my kids full of all natural, pure vitamins D and C instead. I don't mindlessly let the AAP tell me what to do with my children and I don't vaccinate out of fear.

Secondly, this is NOT my way of condemning anyone or trying to sway the decision of anyone who doesn't vaccinate. I understand that there are many reasons people don't and it's their personal conviction. Who am I to say they're wrong? This is simply MY personal conviction posted on my blog - my outlet. Please don't attack it, and you don't havta like it, but please don't tell me I'm wrong.

Now, why I choose to vaccinate my children...



1.) The four biggest "faces" of anti-vaccination are John Kerry, Chris Dodd, Robert F. Kennedy Jr and Jenny McCarthy. Three pro-choice politicians and a playboy bunny...not exactly the kind of people I wanna be on the same team as.



2.) The number one resource of the lies and myths (and there are A LOT of lies and myths) spurning on the anti-vaccination movement is the Church of Christian Science...a cult. Read more about it here . There is no aborted fetal tissue IN vaccines (that's their biggest lie.) That's scientifically impossible. Read about that here.



3.) Satan's job is to steal, kill and destroy. Death and disease were consequences from the fall and not part of God's design. That would make disease part of Satan's arsenal then, right?? So wouldn't it be fair to say, that every time a man, woman or child dies from a disease, it's a battle that Satan has won?? If we have the necessary weapons to fight back (i.e. vaccines) why wouldn't we use them??



4.) Vaccines save lives. Period. God created our bodies in such a way that the tiniest little bit of virus would be apprehended by our immune system, be attacked, and then our cells would forever remember how to "deal" with that virus...making it powerless against us. Now remember, death and disease was NOT part of God's plan...so he gave us a way to fight it off. By receiving an immunization, we are arming our cells with the ability to automatically fight off disease by recognizing it. If a known pedophile moved into your neighborhood, what would be the better plan of action??...to find a picture of that person and become familiar with who to look out for, or simply hope for the best??



5.) There are rumors that vaccines cause autism and SIDS. I'll reiterate...both are RUMORS. The autism thing, while strongly argued, has NOT been proven. The SIDS thing was started by a bogus article that was circulating on the Internet for a while. Somebody made up a phony bar graph that showed the amount of SIDS cases per country versus the amount of vaccine given per country and had America overwhelmingly leading in both cases. It also said that Japan had cut back exponentially on vaccines and their SIDS cases plummeted. It was all fake and made up, but fear-filled parents spread that thing like wildfire. I'll remind you, ANYONE can go online, type up a "report" done on a "study" by "Columbia University" and sign it "Joe Shmoe, PhD" - A doctor gave me all of this information.



6.) I feel like all these parents who say they aren't vaccinating because "they don't want their child to become autistic", are REALLY saying they'd rather let their child die than have autism...because, again, vaccines save lives and that IS proven. That's really, really sad.



7.) My children are God's gift to me. He loves them more than I do (I don't know how that's possible, but he does) and He requires me to love and protect them here on earth to the best of my ability. BUT NOT ONLY THAT...I'm required to LOVE and PROTECT my neighbor too. When I vaccinate my children, I don't do it out of fear that they'll catch a deadly virus and die, because I serve a Healer. But what about the kids that they'll have contact with, or even children of future generations, that AREN'T covered in prayer for health? If my children aren't spreading diseases to them and future generations, then I'm loving my neighbor. And what if God told Tim and I to sell all of our things and go to the missions field tomorrow? I'd be at complete rest that my children have immunity against many of the deadly diseases that we forget about in America (because of vaccines, actually), but are a fact of everyday life in communities in third world countries.





Please don't flood my comment box with negativity. I've spent A LOT of time in prayer and research on this topic. I have come across things that have challenged my decision and have doubted myself along the way...but every time, after seeking peace, I've found it for the above mentioned reasons.

The worst day of my life.

Right now, my profile picture on Facebook is a picture of Tim and I on our wedding day...and I hate that picture. A girl's wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of her life right?? When all her dreams become reality?? That's funny....

I just read my sister-in-law's blog post today - all about the seasons and trials she's been through with her husband and it was OH SO romantic!! Loved it!! My love story - well...

Tim and I met in the fall of '05 and started dating almost immediately. That was probably our first mistake. I was coming off the heels of a pretty disastrous break-up and he was, well...bored. We lived an hour apart but that didn't stop us. Our dating relationship was a very expensive roller coaster ride, and I spent most of it wanting off. But I stayed on, because everything else in my life was "perfect" (perfect car, perfect job, perfect salary, perfect hair etc...) so I didn't mind a little craziness. You see, Tim and I are about as different as two people can be. Opposite ends of the spectrum in SOOO many ways. We fought CONSTANTLY and never truly understood each other - but I didn't REALLY care, because I honestly never thought we would get married - Step 1 of resentment and bitterness.

In the beginning of February of '07, something very very bad happened and I stumbled across it - Step 2 of resentment and bitterness. This thing was so shocking and ugly it took some time to process, but before I could fully process it, Tim proposed (on Valentine's Day that year.) I accepted, but didn't really want to. Another month and a half went by and I finally gained the nerve to break off our engagement.

On April 1st, I asked him to met me down in the city. The whole ride down I practiced what I would say and how I would say it, to make the break-up as clean cut as possible. We had dinner and were just hanging out when he turned to me and said, "You're acting crazy...are you pregnant?" WHAT!?! Came right out of left field. I blew it off, but took a pregnancy test just to humor him. BAM! Positive - Step 3 of resentment and bitterness. We told our families the following week. Their reaction? "Get married ASAP." WHAT!?!? As if I didn't have enough things happening too fast - Step 4 of resentment and bitterness.

So...my Momma and Tim's mom planned a wedding in 4 weeks. Yes, my mother and mother and law planned my wedding - Step 5 of resentment and bitterness. The ONLY thing I had a say in was my wedding dress. Everything else was a surprise to me...and I resented every single person involved in the planning process. I was one of those 12 year old girls who had a notebook and planned my wedding when I was supposed to be doing homework. But all of my dreams, hopes and plans meant nothing....all because I had sex. I went along with it. I was an emotionless robot for 4 weeks. I knew it was all so wrong. I knew Tim wasn't ready to be a husband, and I sure as hell wasn't ready to be a wife!! All of my friends told me to call it off...but ONE person told me it was what I HAD to do "for the baby"...so I just kept on fake smiling and moving forward...

Then the day ACTUALLY came. I remember waking up with a huge knot in my stomach. I remember trying to put my make-up on, but my morning sickness was so bad I kept puking and messing up. I remember freaking out saying, "this is all wrong! this is all wrong!" right before I walked down the aisle - but my dad grabbed my arm and off we went. I remember hating myself more and more with every step I took down that aisle - Step 6 of resentment and bitterness. And that's about it. Everything else was a blur. I learned that I'm an excellent actress, because guest after guest told me I never looked happier. HA! If they only knew.

So all that balled up resentment and bitterness, along with disappointment, hatred and frustration, is how we kicked off our marriage. Is it any wonder why only 3 months later I wanted it annulled?? Is it any wonder that by 6 months into our marriage (and by this time, we ran out of money so we had to live in his parents basement) all we did was threaten each other with leaving or taking our baby away?? And, of course, we were broke and I was having a lot of complications in my pregnancy. I really don't have time to go into every single detail about our relationship, but it was HORRIBLE. To this day, I'm STILL shocked that we made it through that first year.

But you know what?? We serve a REDEEMER. I don't know how, but God REDEEMED ALLLLL of that bad. Satan wanted to tear us apart, to make me a single mother, to make Addisyn an insecure young girl, to repeat the cycle all over again with her life. But God the Father said "No! The buck stops here." He gave us a BEAUTIFUL, SWEET, AWESOME little girl, and a HANDSOME, LOVING, STRONG little boy - and he gave our two children a set of parents who love, not only them, but each other. He got us out of Tim's parent's basement. He gave Tim a promising job. He made a way for me to stay home and raise my babies (which is what I always wanted.) And He restored our relationship.

Tim and I had to fall in love all over again - but we did it! We're on the other side and we're in love like never before. We still have our moments because we're still very very different, but our hearts are bound to one another. We, finally, are starting to understand each other. That first year of our marriage only proves to us now that we have the strength and endurance of heart to weather ANY storm that comes against us. It wasn't easy (and it's still NOT always easy), but it's worth it because we have sooo much wisdom and knowledge to lean on and to pass on! So while our wedding day was the worst day of my life, our marriage is one of my most prized gifts.

People always ask to see our wedding photos...and I cringe everytime I pull them out because I'm reminded of the pain that day brought with it. But someday, we'll renew our vows and I'll have pictures I can look at in pride. In the meantime, I'll do my best to rejoice for what the Lord has redeemed.

What's the dilly with Philly??

Yesterday was Tim's big interview for his transfer to Philly (if by some miracle you hadn't noticed that yet HA!). We were so excited. Of course we wanted to move to Philly - my immediate and much of my extended family is down there and it would be a HUGE step in furthering Tim's career...the sky's the limit! PLUS my dream to become a doula is MUCH more attainable down there for a lot of reasons.

But we had made peace about staying here too. Here in Rochester, we have Tim's family, friends and we decided if the transfer didn't work out, we'd buy a house. Also very exciting. Going into this weekend, we were ready to have a clear "YES" or "NO" answer, and also be happy with whichever it was.

What we got was a definite "MAYBE." What the...?!?!?!

It's very very complicated, but in short - our expectations for Tim's job down there were kinda met. When he came home from the interview yesterday, he was VERY excited. He WANTS the job really bad. BUT when he started explaining the details, I got discouraged because everything was still vague! Frustrating!!!

Here's the biggest detail; They didn't OFFICIALLY offer him the job yesterday, because they ("they" being the hiring manager and the branch manager) didn't know whether to offer him the Tech A position or the Tech B position. What's the difference?? Tech B is one step closer to becoming an engineer and potentially more money! Originally, he was interviewing for the Tech A position, but they were EXTREMELY impressed by him and needed a day to talk things over...and we don't know exactly what that means.

So here we are...waiting again. We're still on the fence, but leaning HEAVILY toward moving down there. You see, they gave Tim kind of a "worst case, but likely scenario" as far as what he'd be making, and it's still very do-able...kinda. (like I said - complicated.)

This move isn't going to be without difficulty, though. We've decided that we will buy a house as soon as we get down there, so IF he takes the job, we'll be living with my parents til we find, bid on and close on a house *yikes!* There's 4 of them and 4 of us - 4 adults, 2 teenagers, 2 toddlers and 3 dogs all under one roof?!? Plus, it'll be my SIXTH move (3rd time moving to a new state) in 2.5 years!! Then, moving from my parents house to where ever we end up will be our SEVENTH move. Gimme a break, man!! I'm TIRED of moving!!!!!!

Anyway, we still need thoughts and prayers!! We still don't know anything for sure!!

prayer requests:

1. We will get an answer SOON! And it will be undeniably "yes" or "no"
2. If the answer is "yes" then the company will offer Tim the Tech B position and more money
3. I won't lose my mind in the whole process
4. My children won't go completely crazy because I'm completely crazy right now