My boy.

This is my Peyton Joshua.

Peyton ("PJ") is special to me because he's so sweet. He has a caring and sensitive side to him that is so endearing and unlike anything I've ever seen from a child his age. He has an extra-soft spot in his big heart for his older sister. If she's ever hurt or crying for any reason, he's right by her side, showering her with hugs and kisses. At the same time, he's ALL boy! He LOVES to get dirty, make messes, throw things, hit things with sticks and make as much noise as possible! "Frogs and snails and puppy-dogs' tails" for sure over here...

Recently, we've found out that there's something else that's special about PJ.

He's just...different. Around his first birthday, we began to notice that he was not the same as other kids his age. He cried...ALL.THE.TIME. He didn't point to things. He had a really big problem with textures...both tactile and when he would eat. He would bite every time he got frustrated...which was a lot. He couldn't handle loud noises. He didn't say a single word. All of these things convinced me he was autistic. But he LOVED being around other kids and adults. He maintained eye contact when you spoke to him. He understood simple commands. So I brushed it off.

Fast forward to his 18 month check-up (one month ago). By this point, I KNEW something was up. He began pointing (around 15 months) and was better with loud noises..but other than that things were about the same. The only drastic difference was his new- found temper tantrums. PJ throws the most random temper tantrums ever. He gets one thing in his mind and NOTHING I repeat NOTHING, can come between him and that one thing. For example, if he wants something he's not supposed to have, like a pair of scissors, I'll move them out of his line of sight. This will cause him to lose his mind completely. He'll scream and flail around and try to climb up on the kitchen counter to get them. If I try to pick him up and move him out of the kitchen, he'll bite and hit me and scream like I'm killing him. This is consistent...a few times a day he'll have these episodes. But at the same time, he's very social and LOVES people. He still obeys basic commands, more so than when he was only 12 months. He can point to things if you ask him where they are (but JUST started doing so).

Today was our first day with an Early Intervention caseworker. She interviewed me, spent some time with PJ and then just shook her head. She told me she has no idea how to classify him. A lot of his behaviors are right in line with autism, but he socializes SO well, that she doesn't think he is autistic. She's baffled.

I'm kind of confused by my feelings of the whole situation. I've never been afraid of autism. In fact, when he first started with the signs, I kind of made up my mind that I was not going to let it be a crutch or an excuse for him...for ANYTHING. I'd just have to tweak my thinking and actions while raising him. I felt strong and confident. And didn't even want to tell anybody...if he did get diagnosed autistic.

But now, I get overwhelmed. Some days, after a battle with him, I just cry. I cry and cry and cry and feel inadequate, and cry some more. I feel alone (and I know that's not the case!!) but my biggest support, other than Tim, is my Momma...and she's 350 miles away. Tim works....most of the time it's just me, PJ and Addisyn (who is two and a half years old and we're going through the battle of the wills like crazy lately...she's absolutely no help during his tantrums cuz she's usually having one of her own.) I miss my mother. I miss my whole family, but there are days I just wish I could drive over to my parent's house, drop off Addisyn to play with Momo, and take PJ out for some special one-on-one time, so that I can remember all of the beautiful little things about him that make me so proud of him.

I guess I just need your thoughts and prayers as we learn, with the help of EI, to teach PJ to communicate better, and to cope with his behavior.