The worst day of my life.

Right now, my profile picture on Facebook is a picture of Tim and I on our wedding day...and I hate that picture. A girl's wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of her life right?? When all her dreams become reality?? That's funny....

I just read my sister-in-law's blog post today - all about the seasons and trials she's been through with her husband and it was OH SO romantic!! Loved it!! My love story - well...

Tim and I met in the fall of '05 and started dating almost immediately. That was probably our first mistake. I was coming off the heels of a pretty disastrous break-up and he was, well...bored. We lived an hour apart but that didn't stop us. Our dating relationship was a very expensive roller coaster ride, and I spent most of it wanting off. But I stayed on, because everything else in my life was "perfect" (perfect car, perfect job, perfect salary, perfect hair etc...) so I didn't mind a little craziness. You see, Tim and I are about as different as two people can be. Opposite ends of the spectrum in SOOO many ways. We fought CONSTANTLY and never truly understood each other - but I didn't REALLY care, because I honestly never thought we would get married - Step 1 of resentment and bitterness.

In the beginning of February of '07, something very very bad happened and I stumbled across it - Step 2 of resentment and bitterness. This thing was so shocking and ugly it took some time to process, but before I could fully process it, Tim proposed (on Valentine's Day that year.) I accepted, but didn't really want to. Another month and a half went by and I finally gained the nerve to break off our engagement.

On April 1st, I asked him to met me down in the city. The whole ride down I practiced what I would say and how I would say it, to make the break-up as clean cut as possible. We had dinner and were just hanging out when he turned to me and said, "You're acting crazy...are you pregnant?" WHAT!?! Came right out of left field. I blew it off, but took a pregnancy test just to humor him. BAM! Positive - Step 3 of resentment and bitterness. We told our families the following week. Their reaction? "Get married ASAP." WHAT!?!? As if I didn't have enough things happening too fast - Step 4 of resentment and bitterness.

So...my Momma and Tim's mom planned a wedding in 4 weeks. Yes, my mother and mother and law planned my wedding - Step 5 of resentment and bitterness. The ONLY thing I had a say in was my wedding dress. Everything else was a surprise to me...and I resented every single person involved in the planning process. I was one of those 12 year old girls who had a notebook and planned my wedding when I was supposed to be doing homework. But all of my dreams, hopes and plans meant nothing....all because I had sex. I went along with it. I was an emotionless robot for 4 weeks. I knew it was all so wrong. I knew Tim wasn't ready to be a husband, and I sure as hell wasn't ready to be a wife!! All of my friends told me to call it off...but ONE person told me it was what I HAD to do "for the baby"...so I just kept on fake smiling and moving forward...

Then the day ACTUALLY came. I remember waking up with a huge knot in my stomach. I remember trying to put my make-up on, but my morning sickness was so bad I kept puking and messing up. I remember freaking out saying, "this is all wrong! this is all wrong!" right before I walked down the aisle - but my dad grabbed my arm and off we went. I remember hating myself more and more with every step I took down that aisle - Step 6 of resentment and bitterness. And that's about it. Everything else was a blur. I learned that I'm an excellent actress, because guest after guest told me I never looked happier. HA! If they only knew.

So all that balled up resentment and bitterness, along with disappointment, hatred and frustration, is how we kicked off our marriage. Is it any wonder why only 3 months later I wanted it annulled?? Is it any wonder that by 6 months into our marriage (and by this time, we ran out of money so we had to live in his parents basement) all we did was threaten each other with leaving or taking our baby away?? And, of course, we were broke and I was having a lot of complications in my pregnancy. I really don't have time to go into every single detail about our relationship, but it was HORRIBLE. To this day, I'm STILL shocked that we made it through that first year.

But you know what?? We serve a REDEEMER. I don't know how, but God REDEEMED ALLLLL of that bad. Satan wanted to tear us apart, to make me a single mother, to make Addisyn an insecure young girl, to repeat the cycle all over again with her life. But God the Father said "No! The buck stops here." He gave us a BEAUTIFUL, SWEET, AWESOME little girl, and a HANDSOME, LOVING, STRONG little boy - and he gave our two children a set of parents who love, not only them, but each other. He got us out of Tim's parent's basement. He gave Tim a promising job. He made a way for me to stay home and raise my babies (which is what I always wanted.) And He restored our relationship.

Tim and I had to fall in love all over again - but we did it! We're on the other side and we're in love like never before. We still have our moments because we're still very very different, but our hearts are bound to one another. We, finally, are starting to understand each other. That first year of our marriage only proves to us now that we have the strength and endurance of heart to weather ANY storm that comes against us. It wasn't easy (and it's still NOT always easy), but it's worth it because we have sooo much wisdom and knowledge to lean on and to pass on! So while our wedding day was the worst day of my life, our marriage is one of my most prized gifts.

People always ask to see our wedding photos...and I cringe everytime I pull them out because I'm reminded of the pain that day brought with it. But someday, we'll renew our vows and I'll have pictures I can look at in pride. In the meantime, I'll do my best to rejoice for what the Lord has redeemed.