Trials produce perseverance.

February 26th 2009 to February 24th 2010 was definitely a difficult year. On Feb 26th, '09, my Grandmom Aust passed away. It was a very difficult time for the entire Aust family. She was so special. My Aunt Cindy described her as the "glue the held us all together" and I think that's a perfect way of describing her role in the family. The Aust family is very large - my dad was one of 6 children - but I remember spending every single holiday, and most Sundays, at my Grandpa and Grandmom's house growing up. My dad and all of his brothers and sisters (except for Uncle Bruce, Aunt Nanci and Chris who live in Orlando) and all of their spouses and children would be there. My cousins and I had all kinds of make believe games that we played at Gram's house, and we couldn't play them anywhere else because Gram's house was special. It was big, there was a lot of land and she had a big pool. Gram was also an amazing cook. I'll never forget her cream chicken, mashed potatoes, chicken soup, keiflies and all kinds of other delicious food that made those holidays and Sunday dinners so special. She always made us feel welcome and her house was truly my second home. I miss her so much.

But anyway, that was only the beginning. Just a few weeks later, my uncle (dad's brother) was killed in a tragic motorcycle accident. I don't know if you've ever had a loved one ripped away from you suddenly and unexpectedly, but I will tell you, it's the HARDEST thing. It's shocking and horrifying and a really hard pill to swallow. I remember when my mom called me to tell me. I felt like I was punched in the stomach and I just wanted to throw up. My dad was so torn up and that was difficult too. He lost his mother and brother in a matter of weeks. And my cousins, too. They lost their Grandmom and Dad. It just all doesn't seem fair...even now, a year later.

In April, our (only 2 yr old) car needed hundreds of dollars worth of work.

In August, my mom lost the man she provided home care for for the last 20 years. Needless to say, she loved that man and it was very very hard for her to say goodbye. Because my mom and I are soooo close, I took on a lot of her pain.

Then later in August, we found out I was expecting our 3rd child. At first we were so angry - this was the THIRD time I had gotten pregnant when we were actively trying to prevent it. We did the math and realized PJ and Baby 3 would be 14 months apart...Addisyn and PJ are only 13 months apart. After being angry, we were stressed out. We couldn't imagine having three kids all so young. Then, we got used to the idea and we started to get excited. Right about that time, I had an ultrasound that showed the baby's heart wasn't beating due to a heart defect. This was the hardest bad news for me personally. After all the other loss, this was just the final blow as far as I was concerned. I spent a week in bed convinced I was dying of a broken heart.

In November, a friend of mine's baby girl died of complications from whooping cough and an old family friend died of cancer.

In December, Tim barely got a raise, and what's more, our health insurance got more expensive, so it's like he didn't get a raise at all. We're very thankful he has a job at all, but it's almost like he's running in place in his current position. This never ending hamster wheel of a career is discouraging.

In January, Tim applied for a job in Bensalem, PA...about 15 mins from where I grew up. Our hopes were SOOOO high. On February 24th, he was offered the job, but at a much lower salary than discussed in the interview, and Tim declined. Again, I felt like I was dying of a broken heart.

I miss my family in PA/NJ. We've been through A LOT in a year and I just want to be with them. I feel so far away and I'm still trying to process all of the loss.

And this is where I am. Broken, but hopeful for the future. I don't really have anything else profound to say.