To my sweet baby-
Tomorrow is the day you were supposed to be born. My body is supposed to start getting ready to help get you out, and Daddy and I are supposed to jump in the car and drive to the hospital. I'm supposed to get in an ugly hospital gown and wait in intense pain for you to arrive...meanwhile, nervous and excited and anxious and thrilled. The doctor and nurses are supposed to come in, and at just the right moment, you're supposed make your first appearance! I'm supposed to hear a shrill little cry as the doctor's and nurses' faces light up. Daddy is supposed to tell me how beautiful you are.
And tomorrow, they're supposed to place you in my arms. But they're not going to. I'm not going to endure the excruciating pain to experience the intense joy like none other of seeing your sweet face tomorrow. There aren't going to be any happy celebrations as we announce you've arrived. No one is going to ask me what we're going to name you.
I don't know why you couldn't stay. I don't know why I couldn't say goodbye. I don't know why I was able to carry you in my belly long enough to love you or see you on an ultrasound or, even though I couldn't feel you move, feel your presence with me. It doesn't seem fair to me, but I'm not the author or the finisher of your life.
Most mommy's endure 9 loooong months in eager anticipation of meeting their little babies...your mommy is going to endure a lifetime. Someday I'll see you, meet you, hold you, kiss you. But in the meantime, my tears and my broken heart will remind me that you DID and DO exist and that we already have a bond.
I love you, baby. Forever and ever.
Mommy
very memorial, sobering and sweet all at the same time. a poem that will speak to so many other mothers of children they never got to meet on earth.
ReplyDeleteOh Michele, (hugs). I can only imagine what this is like for you. Your letter is beautiful. I pray for the Lord's continued grace surrounding you. (more hugs)
ReplyDeleteYou're in ym thoughts and prayers, as I could not even begin to imagine bitter sweet time in your life... loving on two babies, while all the time missing another. I will be praying for a strong sence on peace to be with you, to flood your heart and mind.
ReplyDeleteI thought of you guys while I was in the hospital with Jordan and i'm sry I wasn't able to comment until now. I'm so sorry for that ache you have. I know it all to well, even after 7 yrs since I experienced that pain for the first time it's all still to familiar. I am so thankful you've got such a supportive hubby...I saw he got you flowers in memory, which is so sweet!
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